"The New Belt Law in Meshugamania Slips in Undawares"

Censored and Approved:  Royal Mesugamanian Censorship Bureau.  MMXI.

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Doc. 185642

Please see Legal Notice Below B-4 Proceeding with Reading.*

"The New Belt Law"
Jason Potenski, Reporter
Mesugamanian Ass. Press Corpse

copyright MAP all rights (remaining) reserved — forever
Censored and Approved:  Royal Mesugamanian Censorship Bureau.  MMXI.

Krak-Ow City, Greater Mesugamania.  Sen. Olgasuga No-Wit-All-Inska of the Chambre Parliamenta of Greater Meshugamania held a press conference today to emphasize the value and importance of her sponsored legislation, the so-called "Belt Law", officially known as M.O.S.S. 369547852231X, (1. see Notes on Culture and Terminology, below) which had its official first anniversary last Friday 13th.  Sen. No-Wit-All-Inska observed that she was tired of observing the old "britches slip", and that things have now really gotten out of hand, now that mesugaz (2)  have gotten into the act.  The "Belt Law" Act, colloquially known as the Olgasuga act, is a piece of Stellar Legislation, involving the co-operation of many factions inside the Shug-Me, or Inner Parliamenta, which requires everyone in Greater Mesugamania to wear a belt at all times.

Do you know why a snake’s belt slips?
It’s because he has no hips!

Sugalied, Stic 300, lines 2698-2699.

The Senatenska announced that she had seen too much slippage over the last 68 years of her life, and at last determined to do something-about-it.  The Stellar Leg. (3)  has resulted in the arrests, convictionisms, and incarcerations of 6,236 former citizens during the first year of operations; it is anticipated the number will at least double this year as the Mushugamanian Bureau of Belts, Cravats, Ties, Stays, Fastners, Baby Carriers, and Pocket Protectors (4) refines its procedures.  Sen. No-Wit-All-Inska pointed out that nearly all of the 6,236 clients of the Bureau, now  ex-citizens of Meshugamania, most of whom's pants, shorts, kilts, wienerwerfels (a peculiar Mesugamanian article of dress — you would have to see one), skirts, and neckties, had been slipping, due to absentage of beltage, and other cords and stays.


Certain women of the heavy-weight class were missing corset strings, 85-87% of which were due to breakage, were also arrested, convictionized, and incared (5) under the new Stellar Leg. this can be reducted to a misje meaner, if the subject will sign an affidavit that the bustage happened after she left home, and that it was otherwise than unintentional.  However none of the clients were told about the exception until after their tryals.  (A New Bureau of Corset Strings and Other Things has been established to evaluate the poundage, bustage, and affidaveys.)


All of the ex-citizens are now employed by the Greater Mesugamanian State Licensure Bureau Enterprise, a monopoly of the Crown, may it rest in peace!  About 20% of them will be eligible for the pay-roll in 22.5 years.  Most partici-pants (6)  in the client program will receive one or two checques, over the life-time of the program, which basically corresponds with that of their own petty lives.  However, they will wear checks (7), and be subject to checks, inspects, and strip-searches, twice, thrice, or a.o.a.n. (8)


By law, no Mesugamanian prisoner is permitted to wear a belt, due to tight security procedures instigated by the Mesugstapo, Secret Police (these people are so secret they don’t even know who they are!).  It is pretty well feared in certain circles and loops that many inmates (9) would exit prison "by way of the belt", a phrase that has long been associated with political correction in Mesugamania.  It is pretty well feared in those same and similar circles and loops that outmates do not make productive licensure-palate ma-akers and do-oers.  Sen. No-Wit-All-Inska has proposed a brilliant, if expensive, ad campaign for the Belt Leg. (10)   There is a reward of #100,000 shugas for the best submission.  Sen. No-Wit-All-Inska has already submitted two, both of which are expected to win first place:

1. "Belts:  It’s now or never." 
2. "Those guys might lose their pants!" (12)

In a surprise development, a reporter with M.A.P. asked the Senatenska why she was not personally wearing a belt at the interview.  She took immediate offense, having him stuffed and bound under the Parliamenta Gag Rule, before answering that she couldn’t find a belt to match her new dress.  "The heart has his reasons d’etre that reasonableness never considerates," the Senatenska reportedly retorted, adding:  "Besides, we’re immune from our own Legs. (13);  besides that we’re not required to stand on them, or have them pulled!"  She glanced significantly at the B&G (Bound and Gagged) reporter:  "He probably thought about not wearing a belt this morning; but he’ll never have to wear one again, and will lose his pants as well, the smartmouth!"


Under the regulations of the Mushugamanian Bureau of Belts, Cravats, Ties, Stays, Fastners, Baby Carriers, and Pocket Protectors, random stops of vehicles, pedestrians, rail and air traffic, and anything that moves, or even doesn’t, must be implemented twice a day, or a.o.a.n., with the provisio that this number be doubled on holidays and on the King’s (may he rest in peace) birthday and anniversaries, both marital, coronal (or is it crownal?), and for major hunting trophies.  The new Stellar Leg. has been determined a useful expedient for crowd control, terrorism, jail breaks, and assorted undesirable activities of the neferious kinds.


In a statement issued today by Lt. Hurtmoare of the Krak-Ow Schtat Institutional Policing Fraternity (IpFrat):  "This is funner than Terrorism.  We no longer need to blow things up to have a good time and influence the political situation.  Sen. No-Wit-All-Inska has really given us the tools to do our jobs, and we appreciate that — now where is my cartridge belt?"

*Stellar Leg. Notice: The above article is Satire, and has no relevance to real-time, real-space, or real-space-time, etc. Meshugamania and Mesugamania are both registered trademarks of Mesugamania Ink, a writer’s guild associated with Commonwealth University Press, a quasi-intellectual occasional publisher of sententious, sensational, and lugubrious, and labourious works of semi-public interest. Violators of this Stellar Leg. Contract between Meshugamania Ink and its subsidiaries, corporate satellites, and subdodges, etc., etc., and the potential reader, viewer, onlooker, spontanious gazer, and any combination of these and others too numberus to mention, should and shall seek and retain immediate Legal counsel, such as Leagle Eagle™ Attorney Associates & Partners, Ltd., as counsel, and retain same for life, as you are in as much trouble as if you hadn’t worn a belt today. (Did you?)


Leagal Eagle Attorney No. 1235, Ida Mae Killya, J. D., SANS-KRIT

Sen. Olgashuga No-Wit-All-Inska™ is a registered legal name, and may not be used without permission by others, including Sen. No-wit-all-inska, Ph. Dud, herself.


Dr. Jason Panther™ is a registered legal name.  Don’t be usin’ it without permission of the inventor.


James Duvall, M. A., is an entirely fictitious person.  Don’t go messin’ with him; he’s almost dangerous.  He is full of good ideas.  And, believe it or not, he’s right!


Big Bone University
Nec Ossa Solum, sed etiam Sanguinem.


Big Bone University is a Think Tank, Research Institute, & Public Policy Center located at Big Bone, Kentucky.


Notes on Culture and Terminology:


1.  M.O.S.S. = Mesugamanian Official Superior Statute.

2.  Mesugaz, (translation: "teenagers". Translator’s Note.

3.  pronounced Ledge. Editor.

4.  Often just called the Bureau of Belts and Stays; some of the items on that menu were thrown in during the final legislative wrangling.

5.  This is so common in Mesugamania it has its own word ACI (Arrested, Convicted, Incarcerated). To be acied is to go through this process. Note by the Translator.

6.  a slang term used by the jailers. Editor.

7.  Stripes are not official in Meshugamania

8.  Shugan for as-often-as-necessary, which is often necessary, necessarily!

9.  officially, ex-citizens. Editor.

10.  remember, read Ledge, not Leg.

11.  Mesugamanian money. # originally stood for pound, but was changed in honour of King Shuga the First.

12.  Sugan idiom reduced to the word, lyp = "lose your pants", or a life sentence. Editor.

13.  read, Ledges